if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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