genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Randomize
