well I can't set my house on fire every night
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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