I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Houston, we have a squirter
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
