I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
