So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
