It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
