she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
