how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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