Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
In America we eat man semen.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
