We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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