So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize