we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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