note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
