if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
