so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
