i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
