I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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