Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
