i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
