Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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