when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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