Please, let me fuck your mom
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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