I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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