I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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