so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
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