My girlfriend figured out who you are.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
