just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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