The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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