um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
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Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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