When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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