I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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