bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize