the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
