I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
