woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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