our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
