just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
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