peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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