My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
