I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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