i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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