How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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