Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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