Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
