I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
where am i from again
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
