I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
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