I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
