tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
