I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
