I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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