You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Boobs speak an international language.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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