Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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