Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
i dont even know how to be here
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
