I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
