update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
