So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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