She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I love having hate sex.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
