Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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